Trust is overrated.

As much as I want to say I trust someone, I can't. And people can tell me I am being childish, or being immature, or simply that I just have no idea what I am talking about, but when I can try to put so much faith in someone, and in a matter of a few months have them completely shatter all glimpses of any kind of faith that should be there, I beg to differ that I am childish, immature, and don't know what I am talking about. Even faith in a best friend, or a relative, or even a lover, the one person you are supposed to trust the most, I can honestly say I have none. I have faith that my heart will be broken, stepped on, and thrown in a blender. That my emotions will be strapped down into a seat and be taken on a wild roller coaster. That my feelings will be ignored and my sincerity and kindness will be used for the worst. And I know at this point in time in my life, my utter hatred towards humanity is but a phase. I know it will pass in time, and I will have some of the greatest friends, lovers, relatives in the world, but right now? I have none. And I don't care to have any either. I have a fiance that I would love to trust. And with some stuff, I do. And for the most part, our relationship is great. But the influence of drugs takes a great tole on the man he used to be. I loved that man. I trusted that man. I cared about that man. That man is my world, but at times my worst enemy as well. I have no self control either. Which is probably why I can't trust anyone. I have to trust myself first. I take it back, I don't HATE humanity, I just despise certain parts of it. I love my fiance with all my heart, but how can I trust someone who constantly lets me down? Opposites attract, yes. But I feel not without some consequences.

Little Tyler

I have a friend who is exactly a month ahead of me in my pregnancy. Yesterday, 2/26/2012, she got to meet her wonderful baby boy, named Tyler Jeffery Dante who was 6.98 lbs, 18" long, and his head was 13" around. He came approximately 20 days before his actual due date. His birth, which marked a big milestone in my friend's life, made me realize that one of my big milestones is rapidly approaching as well, with no sign of slowing down. Being pregnant has been the most unique experience of my life so far. I have felt the little kicks from when she was around 23 weeks old, which felt like little, VERY little, flicks on the inside of my stomach. I have felt the uncomfortable pressure on my bladder, and what it feels like when she pushes on it. I have been able to see my whole stomach rumble like my stomach is a body of water, and something caused ripples in the water. I've been able to experience the unpleasant stretch marks, and how the fresh ones on me appeared a blue color instead of the slightly darker flesh color all the rest are. I have understood what it feels like when my stomach is itchy from the stretch marks, and have learned not to itch them, or I will create more. I never got morning sickness, but my best friend was peppermint tums later on in the pregnancy as my little girl started to develop several strands of hair. I have been taking two pills for Jasmine, a prescribed pink prenatal pill, and an oblong shaped cloudy omega 3 pill. The omega 3 pill is the worst pill I have ever taken. It's a pill people like to describe as a "horse pill" meaning extremely huge. And the pill was so light, it floated in my mouth. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant. We had been trying to get pregnant, and so I thought that this pregnancy test was just going to be another disappointing "negative". But I continued on with the normal routine of peeing on the stick, setting it on the bathroom counter, and then finishing using the restroom. When I was done, I remember turning the stick over and seeing a plus sign on the pregnancy test. I remember the drop I felt in my stomach, and the excitement that started to bubble inside me. And now almost 8 months later, I get to see if, when my little baby girl finally comes, I will feel that all too familiar drop in my stomach when I see her, as I did when I saw the first sign of her existence. 

Beautiful Love

Yesterday, 2/22/2012, I had my first of many baby showers. It was a baby shower with all my coworkers, and the lady who coordinated everything did a fantastic job. There were displays of tulips all over the tables, and beautiful cupcakes ranging from a chocolate cupcake with lemon-orange glazed frosting to a confetti cupcake with homemade pink frosting and a cleverly placed strawberry (not cooked into the batter) right in the middle of the cupcake. She had made me a homemade German Chocolate cake for me to take home and share with my fiance. It's one of his favorite cakes, which I think is funny because he is allergic to pecans, and you can't make a coconut pecan frosting for the cake without putting pecans in it. The cake was several layers high and when I took it home, my fiance took a HUGE slice out of it and ate the whole thing. The slice was maybe an eighth of the whole cake, whereas when I took my slice out, it was only but a very small fraction of that. The slice was maybe as big as the width of my finger, and I couldn't even finish it! During the baby shower, I got lots of useful and practical gifts. Lots of onesies, lotion, tons of diapers, baby wipes, and several socks and other clothing items. I also got a digital camera as well, which was a hint for me to take lots of pictures when our little girl is born. I got a onesie from my coworker Aanya, that said "daddy's princess" and I made a joke that she would not be wearing that. At the beginning of the baby shower, which was led by my supervisor (which isn't surprising. Even though Alycia put the whole thing together, my supervisor had to feel like she needed to run it, making it seem like SHE was the one that had put everything together), my supervisor had made a comment for people to give me advice through out the baby shower. Mary piped up and said that it was a little too late for the advice she had for me. Mary, is an elderly lady who has a not-so-elderly personality. Think of the elderly lady who is usually in comics placed on birthday cards or calendars. But she has known me since I was in my mother's stomach, so it was inevitable that I was going to get some comment like that from her. When I took home some of the presents from the baby shower, I think that's when the reality of our baby finally sunk into my fiance's head. He has been spending a lot more time with my stomach and early this morning (early being anywhere from 12 to 3 am, I'm not quite sure when he actually asked me) he asked me if she was awake and moving. And right after I had gotten out of the shower and got dressed for work, he started kissing my stomach and laying his head on it. Our baby is due April 15th, but many people think she will arrive early. She is already in position to be born, and we are only 32 weeks along.

Valentine's Day 2/14/2012

Normally I spend Valentine's day alone, wallowing in self pity, as I rub in being single watching other couples act cute while roaming the school hallways, and displaying ample amounts of PDA. Usually, it's spent wishing, wanting, waiting for someone to actually do something special for me that year. To find a dozen red roses in my locker when I open it up, or one rose, or, for that matter, any kind of flower - paper or real. To find a note from a secret admirer, or chocolates, just some sign that there was someone special for ME out there and not one that I create from some morbidly depressing fantasy. But each year ended in tragedy as I stayed up till 12 at night waiting for a glimpse of love on the most romantic day of the year, but watching the clock every year turn 12:01 and never getting anything. Well, this year, I actually have someone special in my life. And to make sure I had a good Valentine's day, I told him a week or two before that I wanted something special from HIM. Something that I could wear that would be special to me. Something I could look at and honestly like knowing he bought it with his own money, instead of buying me something from my own money. But this year on Valentine's day, we practically slept all day, as it was one of my very few and rare days off from my dull job. We watched some t.v which, from seeing a commercial for papa murphy's, decided for dinner to get a heart shaped pepperoni pizza called "the heartbaker" which we had to take and bake at home. We also got groceries from our WIC coupons at Safeway, and decided to get chocolates there as well. The chocolates were not good at all. He has bad teeth and over half of the chocolates were hard caramels, and the other half tasted disgusting anyway. But as much of a hopeless romantic as I am, I added another year to my depressing list of Valentine's day where nothing special actually happened. He didn't get me a necklace, or a bracelet, or anything special of any sorts. Yet I had made him a letter file:///C:/Users/alyssagibson/Documents/Valentine.htm and several cute little coupons as well. The kiss ones were my favorite. http://www.hotdateideas.com/gift-ideas/love-coupons-kiss But even though the day was relatively boring, I still got to spend it with the one I love, and that is the whole point of Valentine's day, not getting presents and being treated like they get treated in Hollywood.